Feeling down

Contemplating all the times in my life that I've had to fight and struggle, with family, with school, for food, in relationships, and at work, I've been in an endless struggle...
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this routine, of fighting for everything, like a curse has been cast upon me, a shadow constantly following me like a grey cloud over my head.
I had to. Fight when I was young at home when domestic violence had a regular place in my home. I had to fight at school when I was always bullied, with people calling me "the ugly monster" that a bus or truck must have hit me in the face to have such an ugly face, amongs the other mockery, to always be the last one picked for sports but the first one in group school activities as they hoped I'd do all the work, always the one they'd turn to for advice but never the one they'd want to be seen with, and with the teachers usually liking me a lot it made me more of a target as it was not cool to be the teachers favorite. Amongst more struggling was trying to find the courage to go to school with bullies putting me down all day or struggling with staying at home where at times there could be another level of bulling where I could be told "I'm useless" and that "I'd amount to nothing" plus other insults. I struggles when I was beat up by a family member so bad I thought that "this is it, I'm going to die" and I cried so much after I felt like my soul had indeed died to the prospect of it all. I struggled when I came to the UK and couldn't manage to keep the first two jobs and was made a mockery by even my one boyfriend GJFB (at the time boyfriend), that instead of offering support just added to the injury with everybody else, with things such as insinuating "I'm too lazy to hold a job" without knowing how I'd suffered when trying hard to keep them or understanding the reasons why they hadn't worked out. I struggled when I came here with the at the time other boyfriend CG, GJFB had even made a bet with CG that I'd not last more than a few months in my next job, I struggled with CG, whilst CG was working in a kitchen and eating at work, I was surviving on weeks of only eating cooked plane spagetty, sometimes weeks just consuming strawberry nesquick with milk, and if I was lucky some cup of soup, as I tried to get a job, I tried asking the local job centre for help, I told the man I don't want to ask for benefits, I just want help to find a job, but he turned me away very coldly. I struggled where we lived with CG friend that was renting his room under strange rules and with a rude attitude, I struggled when we moved and had the guy sending me abusive messages for having left after renting with him had become a nightmare, I struggled with the luggage when we moved, going from bus to bus, a few times I struggled when moving house through public transport...
I struggled with job bits here and there, barely any hours, hardly any money, I struggled when I first started in a care agency when hours were not guaranteed...
I struggled with CG with the lies and betrayal, already having had a bad experience with GJFB...
I've had to fight and struggle. I don't even have any savings to show for it but rather than that have an eternal overdraft I never manage to fix.
And when opportunities were presented to me I was usually lacking something... Too old at the time, too young, no money for transport.... So many things always in my way, always holding me back...
Now I'm 26 and I'm still struggling, still fighting, still not able to do what I want to do. I feel so trapped sometimes, so drained of any motivation, today I just feel so demotivated, demoralised, I wish I could just put a pause on life and keep it like that, no work, no socialising, nothing... Sometimes nothing could feel better than all the something I have to fight and struggle against.
I've never claimed benefits, and don't want to, I just wish I could find a job I loved to do, rather than a job that I like doing but that never had a place in my dreams and aspirations and in which, despite giving my all, and having its rewards, I just don't feel complete doing...
I don't know if I've reached the end of the road, or if this is as good as it gets, but its starting to be a constant thought in my mind and I feel like its breaking me down.
I am a fighter, and I've been fighting all my life in one way or another, from being born early, umbilical around my neck at birth, having to be delivered C section and to having my lip and roof of my mouth split at birth (cleft lip and pallet) going through numerous surgeries and procedures... Yes I've been fighting, even before birth I was fighting, and I just wonder for how long can someone fight before they finally break, how long can you swim against a stream before it inevitebly washes you away when you don't know where to hold onto.
Maybe this is all just gibberish, I don't know, maybe its just a dent in my armour, I moment of weakness, but whatever it is, its not a good feeling to feel and I hope I can defeat this feeling of hopelessness that has been overcoming me more and more.
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